College football is almost back! While technically the season started a week ago, watching Marshall beat EKU 59-0 didn’t exactly get the juices flowing. We are now two weeks away from watching our beloved Wildcats take the field at Jordan-Hare Stadium to take on the Auburn Tigers. To get you ready for the season, here are my 5 bold predictions regarding UK football, that are based on absolutely no factual knowledge or keen insight to the UK team, or the game of football itself really.
Bold Prediction #1: Kentucky will average over 40 points a game. You might say there’s no way UK can score that many points going against a loaded SEC only schedule full of elite defenses, but hear me out. Kentucky’s head football coach is Mark Stoops. “Stoops” rhymes with “oop-de-oop”, which was the secret formation run by West Canaan High School backup QB Jonathan Moxon in Varsity Blues. I fully expect Terry Wilson to constantly overload the defense on one side, and burn them trying to cover Josh Ali one-on-one on the other side. If only Coach Kilmer would have listened when Moxon explained to him that Mississippi Valley State averaged over 40 points a game running the same offense. Stoops won’t make the same mistake. I can only hope that Coach Stoops also has a trick play lined up for Landon Young to trot down the field and act like he’s lost.
Bold Prediction #2: Donald Trump will attend a UK football game this season. For years Trump has been talking about building a wall across the border of Mexico. And while it has been partially done, it pales in comparison to the Big Blue Wall that has been built right here in Lexington. I’m of course talking about the offensive line, which returns 4 starters from last year-center Drake Jackson, tackles Darian Kinnard and Landon Young, and guard Luke Fortner. The Big Blue Wall has paved the way for Benny Snell and Lynn Bowden Jr. the last two seasons, and UK’s backs should enjoy even more open holes in 2020. Trump will no doubt want to come admire this amazing wall, and after the game I’m sure he will say, “That Big Blue Wall is a great wall, and nobody builds a better wall than me, believe me.” And who’s gonna pay for the Big Blue Wall? The defensive lineman of every opposing team, of course.
Bold Prediction #3: UK Athletics will need to invest in additional oxygen masks for its Wide Receivers. Two words: Dad. Strength. That’s what Terry Wilson now has. In case you missed it, the Kentucky QB just recently became a father:
As all you Dad’s out there can attest, nothing builds up muscle mass quite like constantly carrying a progressively increasing amount of dead weight at all hours of the day and night. After hauling that baby around all the time, Terry is going to be slinging balls around Kroger Field harder than Ben Stiller in Dodgeball.
I hope the UK receiving corps has been running extra sprints after practice every day. They are going to need it to catch up to the bombs their quarterback is going to be heaving their way. I’m expecting a few overthrown passes to start the year, but once everyone gets used to the extra arm strength, I will expect many more magical plays just like this one:
Bold Prediction #4: Jamar “Boogie” Watson will be the best UK player nicknamed “Boogie” since Demarcus Cousins. OK, as far as I am aware, he is the only other players besides Demarcus to hold this illustrious name, but the dude is going to be a star this season. And while I could talk about Mr. Watson being named to numerous pre-season All-SEC teams, and being projected as a potential first round pick in the NFL draft I’m more interested in his nickname. I would like to go ahead and use this platform to let all the media outlets in Kentucky know that I am trademarking the following phrases for the upcoming season: 1.) “Boogie Nights” (for when Boogie has a big game that happens to be at night). 2.) “The Boogie Man” (for when UK plays against Missouri on Halloween Day) 3.) “Boogie Woogie” (for anytime Boogie does a dance after sacking the opposing QB). 4.) “Boogie Bored” (for when he dominates opposing offensive lineman so easily, it gets boring after a while). OK, that last one might be a stretch, but I’m printing The Boogie Man shirts with his face superimposed on Michael Myers right now.
Which boogie man is the scariest?
Bold Prediction #5: Kentucky will win the SEC East. Yes, in football. Why would I make such a prediction you ask? Well, why not? 2020 has been the most bizarre year any of us have ever lived through. It only makes sense that in the most chaotic time of our lives, that something crazy, like, UK football winning the division would happen. We have the talent, we have the experience, and there isn’t a team on the schedule I don’t think we can beat. Except maybe Alabama. But even then, if they can’t keep the students from having “Covid Parties” in Tuscaloosa soon the whole campus is going to have Coronavirus and we might beat them by default.
I am all in on Stoops Troops. Pass the Kavosiey. Why not? We’re just getting started bro! Let’s play some freakin football!